GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE AUGUST 29, 1997

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BIG TIPS

Friends want me to donate sperm, but I'm not so sure

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone I'm a patient woman. Whenever I am faced with a trial, like a long line at the grocery store, my Catholic gene reveals its influence: I take a deep breath, and peacefully await my allotted appointment with the register maid. I will endure terrible videos, X-treme sports shows, and The "Real" World to catch a glimpse of Daria on MTV. I've gone for years without a decent mixing bowl, because I know I'll find the one that speaks my name at a

garage sale.

So it is not surprising that, upon moving into my elderly apartment last November and noticing that my kitchen cold water tap ran very slowly, I relaxed into it, and got used to it. If I wanted a glass of water, I'd turn on the tap, and as individual molecules were floating down into the glass, I could get things done, like make a quilt.

Now, this brand of surreal patience is fine when you live alone, but ultimately you will have visitors, and they inevitably lack this accrued serenity. Finally, after my friend filled a cooking pot in my bathtub and accused me of a freakish level of passivity, it occurred to me to mention it to my building manager.

She walked into my kitchen, leaned under my sink, and turned on the cold water valve, which had been shut almost the whole way off since before I moved in. My faith in the virtue of patience has been deeply shaken.

Dear Big Tipper,

Help me with this. I'm a gay man, 32, lots of friends, both male and female. I've always been happy to have lots of close women friends, and have considered it an indication that I'm rather "evolved," or at least, not a big sexist pig. I think I am relaxed about things, and have an open mind about different sorts of home and family situations.

Lately, though, two of my women friends have come up to me and asked if I would donate sperm to them. One of them is single, and the other one has been with her girlfriend for several years.

Before I came out I dated women, and one of them became pregnant and chose to have an abortion. It was a very hard time for both of us. I completely support every woman's right to choose, but it was sad for both of us, because even though we knew it just wasn't right to have a baby, it still seemed like a baby, or a piece of us. I want my friends to have a chance to have the families that they deserve, but I'm having a hard time with the idea of "giving away" another “potential child. " It sounds crazy to me when I say it out loud or write it down, and I want to support my friends and help them, but I'm having a hard time. Is this ridiculous, or some buried homophobic reaction to lesbians wanting children? Am I being selfish? Time to Swim Upstream?

Dear Dunkin' Donor,

If your heart is telling you not to donate, don't do it. It's not selfish at all. It's

a very big deal to know that there is someone out in the world whom you're genetically connected to. Ask anyone who's given up a child for adoption.

Granted, the time and physical duress you would invest in the process would be nominal in relation to the mothers,' but you would certainly provide a critical component. No matter how cool a guy is, it has yet to become socially mandatory for him to facilitate impregnation of any and all fertile gal pals.

There are tons of ways to show your love and support for your friends, and their children when they have them. Babysitting would probably be a much appreciated one.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm a single gay black woman who's butch, and very lonely. I don't understand what's going on with me. I've lived in this city all my life, and I've had at least three real serious relationships. Well, real on my side of the fence, but not so real on the other side.

Why can't I find Ms. Right? Maybe because I'm plus size and short. All I want is a very sensitive, loving, caring, independent, passive femme, who really wants a sweet, loving, caring butch.

I've tried the ads and the phone lines, but I've found nothing but a bunch of women looking to have sex. I'm looking for a monogamous relationship.

Maybe I'm being too picky. I like Hispanic or biracial women. I've been hurt too many times by colored women, and I've lost all interest in them. I'm lost and don't know what to do. Please help me find that special someone, or at least tell me where to look or what I'm doing wrong.

Sincerely Searching for Real Love

Dear Desperately Seeking Susana,

Sweetie, I wish it was as simple as pointing out specific steps you need to take to find a squeeze, but the perfect love chum can be elusive.

It's great that you tried ads and phone lines: Even though they haven't worked yet, it means that you're putting yourself out there, and not just waiting for someone to come along. As for the "plus size and short" factor, it's true that there are women who won't consider dating someone who doesn't fit their narrow idea of what a hot mama is, but wise women (and ones you'll be happier with in the end) will see what a hottie you are. You may need to be more open about who's a contender, too.

Here's what I think: Stay out in the field. Tell everyone you know that you're looking to date. Date. Shop, don't hunt. What would you rather do, hang out in a duck blind, swilling a can of beer and waiting to bag dinner, or squeeze cantaloupes until you find a sweet one? Good luck.

Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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